mbti-sorted: …ISFJs feel comfortable with their Fe and expressing themselves as emotional and spiritual people (using it as a valid point of view in arguments) and the INFJs tend to keep it to themselves until they know how others will take it…

roseblight said: … Do INFJs get more comfortable with their Fe as they grow older and do a lot of work on themselves?

I like to think that in general people get better at using all their functions as they get older.  INFJs have a couple of things working against them as far as communication goes:

One is simply introversion and being wary of or less interested in expressing things in general.  Being in the minority as an Intuit and having the Sensor majority not necessarily understand you doesn’t help – if you feel that people are judging you or uninterested, you eventually give up trying to connect in that way.  It’s probably the combination of Ni and Fe that does it, though.  Ni is a mysterious thing to have as a first function – it’s difficult to explain how you know what you know, and without a dominant S or a T function to fall back on, it’s even worse.  ISFJs get to say “I know and have feelings about people!” because “Si things I observed!” INFJs are stuck with “I know all these weird things about people!” because “it just came to me!" 

"It just came to me!” is a really hard way to defend any argument, let alone an F based one about the weird and uncomfortable things you know about the people around you.  Whereas ISFJs can instinctively trust the things they know (in turn making it easier to convince others with their feelings based arguments), INFJs have to work at knowing why they know the things they know* and have to learn when to reveal this information and when to keep it to themselves.  Basically lots of research, analysis and trial and error.  In the mean time, you spend a lot of time trying to think of something to say that isn’t the awkward thing about which you’re thinking.

I actually am or have been acquainted with a surprising number of INFJs and usually the older ones do seem happy – settled in their responsibilities and relationships.  The younger ones are usually going through some things. I haven’t been around for most of the transitions from younger to older.  I don’t think I’ve had many if any conversations with INFJs (with the exception of my sister) that were emotional or spiritual in nature, but that could be for any number of reasons (Introversion! Atheism! Conforming to S-type social conventions!).

All that said, there have been a couple of INFJs on youtube talking about precisely these things, and being very comfortable about it, so.  Maybe it is just about being able to trust the people around you – having a community around you that is interested in your feelings and encourages you to express them.

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*I have experienced exactly four flashes of Ni in my life, ever – very stupid mundane things – but I can remember them because I don’t think I’ve ever been so certain of anything without understanding why.  It felt an awful lot like waking up from a dream and only remembering the very last bit – all the details and internal logic leading up to that final impression having slipped away.  I can’t even imagine how confusing and frustrating that must be as a primary mode of experiencing life.